When someone tells us to “listen,” especially an authority figure, we are trained to focus and pay attention at that moment. However, in these times of constant distraction from cellphones, Zoom, and webinars, trying to pay attention is harder than ever. Effective listening offers us many benefits, and encourages the speaker to feel valued as well. It is so important to make each conversation we have count. Effective listening can be the difference between getting that new job, new client, or promotion. Here are methods to accomplish proper listening skills and ways to accomplish it.
Being a Good Listener is Important
There is an obvious practical side for being a good listener. We can’t do well if we don’t pay attention to instructions and information. We won’t keep a job if we ignore our boss’s orders. Being a good listener is our responsibility and is also important to our social life. No one wants to be in a relationship where one person does all the talking and then never listens. There has to be reciprocation. Being a good listener fosters meaningful relationships with those around us. Finally, it is vital to our personal development. By opening our ears and minds, it allows us to expose ourselves to other thoughts, ideas, opinions, values, experiences, and perspectives.
Listening vs. Hearing
A good pla
ce to begin becoming a better listener is to think about the difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is a sense. When a noise reaches our ears it involves the processing of sound in the brain. We hear a lawnmower running in our yard or the ring of our cellphone. It is not something we do, we just hear it. Listening, on the other hand, is an action we consciously take. When we listen, we go beyond simply hearing. We give our attention to what is being heard or said.
Things That Prevent Us from Listening
It is easy to become wrapped up in our own world and thoughts. Self-absorption causes a “me-centered” attitude that creates a huge impediment to good listening. Sometimes we like to think that we’ve already got everything figured out. Being a know-it-all prevents us from allowing the perspectives, knowledge, ideas, and opinions of others to enter into our minds and hearts. Distractions have always been a reason not to listen. Especially today, with the number of smart phones, apps, text messages, viral videos, memes, etc. drawing our attention away from people in the flesh to the screen. Some of us simply drift off in our own thoughts when someone is speaking to us. Others think we have the listening thing down pat. However, listening well is something we have to work on and we won’t do that work if we’re convinced we have nothing to improve upon.
Ways to Be a Better Listener
When someone is speaking, it is important to give them our full attention, not only by listening to the words they are saying, but also by reading
their body language as they speak. We need to watch them, keep quiet, and forget our own thoughts and judgements. It is similar to watching a movie. We immerse ourselves into the person’s story, listening with curiosity and to understand. We should put the speaker in the spotlight by looking directly at them, pointing our body in their direction, and putting down our phone or other distractions. We must wait until it is our turn to speak; not interrupt the speaker. Try giving people a chance to finish their thoughts before saying your piece. When we do speak, it is important to ask questions to confirm what we heard as well as show sincere interest and that we are engaged in the conversation. When a conversation involves difficulties, such as a disagreement or a friend who is venting, it is helpful to repeat crucial comments to ensure we are hearing what they are saying and also to show the speaker that we understand them. When listening, don’t jump to give advice. If a friend is telling us about a problem he or she is having, it’s natural to want to say something that will help. However, this can distract us from giving our full attention to the speaker’s thoughts and feelings because we are scrolling through our brains thinking of hasty solutions rather than paying attention to what the person is saying. One-upping the speaker is another problem. If someone is telling us about the great vacation they had, we can’t wait to tell them about our vacation that was even better. When we try to one-up others, we’re making it clear that we’re only paying attention to them insofar as they provide an opportunity for us to talk about ourselves. Listening with empathy is key.
As a listener, our most important job is to just try to understand what the person is saying. That is truly what people want from us. In the words of Ernest Hemingway, “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”