Many experts offering self-help advice suggest that we must “learn to love ourselves.” It’s good advice, but how do we learn to quiet that little voice in our heads that tells us we are not good enough, don’t deserve to be treated better, and for blaming ourselves when things don’t turn out as we had hoped? Many of us believe we do love ourselves, but our actions and attitudes speak otherwise. Loving is essential to our health, personal growth, fulfillment of our dreams and for us to have happy relationships with others. We can’t truly love others if we don’t love our own selves. It might take a little practice, but we can learn self-love. David Hamilton, Ph.D. defines it as “a combination of self-esteem and self-awareness.” Here are some practical steps to get us there.
Care About Ourselves Like We Do Others
Think about the way we love and care for our partners, children and friends. We accept their flaws and realize that they make up the whole person that we support. Now, try to turn that same compassion and understanding inward. We need to accept that we have strengths and weaknesses. We need to show compassion for ourselves as we do others. This is not being selfish. Research has shown that low self-esteem can result in depression, poor mental health and physical health. Loving helps us get out of a rut of depression and comforts us through tough times. We need to treat ourselves with gentleness, concern and caring, just as we would treat our loved ones.
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
We all have emotional needs that are important to us. If they are ignored or defied, we become upset and our feelings are hurt. By writing a list of these emotional needs, we can pinpoint our specific boundaries. Some examples are getting sympathy when we are hurt, being celebrated for successes, receiving love and caring without asking for it, and knowing we can rely on someone. When a person ignores our emotional needs and crosses that boundary, we will know why we feel hurt. It is important to let the people in our lives know our boundaries and what we will and will not tolerate. If they ignore them and don’t apologize, we can create consequences such as choosing to confide in others or even terminating relationships. Being assertive and taking action to have our own needs met will build our self-esteem by reinforcing our belief in ourselves that we deserve to be heard and loved. We also need to love ourselves enough to know when to say no. Whether it is refusing to take on more responsibility than you can handle at work or saying no to more volunteer work for the PTA, we are loving ourselves enough to assert our boundaries.
Do What Makes Us Happy
It is so important to figure out what makes us feel good. Once we become aware of those things that we enjoy and put us in our “happy place”, we 
can do it as often as we can. It can be gardening, crafting, reading, writing, running, volunteering, visiting museums, or going out dancing with friends. Feeling good is all the permission we need to do what we enjoy. Making time to do these things will make us happier. Sometimes we have to give up something to make time for the things we love or ask others to assist by watching the kids, etc. to give us a bit of free time. That is not selfish or silly; it is supporting our own well-being and joy. Creating time for what makes us feel good about ourselves creates self-love.
All of these things will help us to develop a sense of accomplishment and pride in what we do and who we are. They help us realize that we are worthy and capable people who deserve to be loved. Don’t expect perfection. There will be moments when we want to beat ourselves up. We need to accept it but also think about how we would have treated a love one in the same situation. Then we must work on forgiving ourselves and do something we enjoy. It can take time, but with practice, we will realize the most important people to believe in are ourselves.